I’m going through yet another one of those times in my life where I feel alone.
Nothing seems like it’s going right. My boyfriend of a year and 5 months broke up with, making it also currently feel as if I have lost a friend that I’ve had for 2 years and 1 month. I’ve had to uproot myself yet again and move back in with my Mum, bringing with it the endless frustration of having to settle back in to a new place and the countless, repetitive arguments with my Mum and sisters; having no other family members in the same town as me and most of my friends an expensive bus ride away. I get the joy of trying to figure out what my next step after college will be, whether I go to university for the next 3 years of my life or whether I should just go straight in to employment. I have no money until August when I start at Primark as I had to leave my previous job due to being unable to get there.
I could go on forever about how many things are piling on top of each other at the moment and causing a large pile of stress, anger, sadness, frustration and loneliness however, that would take far too long, make this post too depressing and may get to a level where it’s too personal for the internet.
No matter how busy I make myself, I always end up feeling down. I can make myself busy and work on college work or read a book, meet up with friends, play video games, spend time with my family or walk the dog, I always feel alone at the end of the day. When my mind isn’t occupied, it makes itself busy by thinking about things it shouldn’t; my mind leads itself down a path of darkness, walking towards topics that it knows will only prevent it from falling asleep that night. I’ve been drowning myself in tea, coffee and sorbet, scrolling through Facebook and sleeping as much as possible. Maybe my new pills are doing this to me? maybe it’s my recent break-up? Maybe it’s just because I’m a teenager and the stress and expectations that get dumped on to my shoulders is doing this to me?
I don’t know.
All I do know right now is that:
A. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life right now, I thought I had it all figured out but recent events have screwed that up for me.
B. I feel alone. I feel like I have nobody to talk to, I feel like I shouldn’t be loading my problems on to the shoulders of my friends every 5 seconds and like nobody really gets my mind as much as some people have in the past.